40 overs, timed.
LMSCC win by 6 wickets.
SCC 98 all out
The sickening decadence of the leafy West London suburbs. Complacent, restrained wealth, without a hint of honest, hard-won Muscovite bling. Bird-tweety tree-lined streets. Faux classical bridges in a peaceful park. Happy young families untainted by grim service of the Motherland…Chis-Vick: You get the picture, nyet? The very non-Socialist setting for 2014’s first battle to crush colonialist capitalism at its only decent creation ever – apart from Ze Beatles – Crick-Et !
Yuri’s dog, the ludicrous, self-appointed ‘Lieutenant General’ Francov Cobramovich led the glorious Collective out to bat, accompanied by the Transylvanian classicist Vlad ‘Impaler’ Boringski. And how boring they indeed were, comrades! Nearly three-quarters of an hour spent Dorothying, dot-ing and generally pansying about with innumerable forward defensives and the like. Only the early season sunshine lifted the mood of your humble state scribe.
With the scoreboard on a turgid 27, Vladimir was himself impaled by none other than Altmanov, the latter bowling for LMS. But worry not comrades, the thespian National Treasure has not defected. Along with fellow gent Davidov Hannant of Brighton Xiles, Altmananov was most chivalrously guesting for the opposition, who had turned up under-strength.
Over the next 12 overs though, Vlad’s replacement, the towering Robski, rapidly accelerated the SCC score before his timbers were toppled. And soon after, blessed relief, so were Cobra’s, after an interminable 85 minutes out in the middle, largely spent posing in his White Russian helmet.
56-3 off 23; but with over an hour left to bat, seven wickets in hand, and some lusty, harvest-honed bladesmen to come, surely SCC could still notch a respectable score? However, the middle order – with the exception of big-hitting debutante Sametski Hodderin – had all evidently been too busy before their innings…flirting with the assembled summer-skirted, Soviet PAWS, to consider this most serious sporting question.
One by one, Communist batters four, five, seven and eight each fell for year Zero. I shall not waste Pravda’s typewriter ink naming and shaming the culprits here. Our coach, former Sri Lankan international ‘Keithy’ will doubtless ensure they are suitably punished, hopefully with the club side arm.
Only new star Hodderin, S. (22 runs, with a huge six over mid wicket amongst his four boundaries) and supreme Tzar Yuri (a well-judged 14 not out) salvaged some honour and fighting spirit amongst this mass desertion of duty on the battlefield: The Collective had scraped to 98 all out. Stats fans (and Keithy…) will be fascinated to learn that eight of LMS’s ten wickets were achieved clean bowled. Chief executioner proved to be London Marshes’ devilishly nagging spinner Brawton, senior: This sadistic veteran took a nastily impressive 5-25 off 11 tortuous overs.
Bolstered by a thoroughly delightful French cuisine-inspired spoof of English tea – kind courtesy Madamoiselle Yankeroff – of rich cream scones, home-cooked sausage rolls and traditional sandwiches, spirits were extremely high as SCC took the field to defend a near indefensible total.
Reaching it was to prove no cakewalk for LMS: Mad Soldya Hatscape, Timov Chipmonski and Hitmanherski Yankerov all bowled economical short spells. Hodderin S. and Ilyeva Luncherov were revelations in the field, the latter in particular endlessly sprinting and diving to cover every centimetre of a Steppe-sized zonal fielding area.
Sametski’s brother and fellow debutante Danov Hodderin had boldly opened the bowling (with Yankerov), keeping LMS curtailed with fine figures of 5-0-18-1. Despite struggling with a virus, Vice Captain Brandonovski then made a tricky catch at backward square look nonchalantly easy. And Tzar Yuri topped the attack charts, with three fine wickets.
After 22.1 not entirely nerveless overs though, the Capitalists triumphed, but – such was our Socialistic performance with the ball – the six-wicket victory perhaps even slightly flattered the victors: Encouraging signs, comrades!
Now, anybody have Keithy’s e-mail address…?!?